Sunday, November 28, 2010

It's just common sense - gig organiser advice.

Interpol, Edinburgh 27th November 2010

I've been at two gigs in the space of 2 days. An increase in my rock and roll credibility of 200%. The music was fantastic in both cases. Thanks to the guidance of my colleague Mr K Legg (author of the hugely entertaining football blog Adventures in Tinpot and a devoted attender of gigs) we secured an excellent spot to stand, with a great view of the stage.

I have some suggestions for gig security companies that would improve everyone's enjoyment of gigs.

I know the evidence of 2 gigs is statistically a small sample, but quite frankly I don't care. I'd like to rant please.
 "impressively voluminous chaotic gravity defying hair"
The people I would like excluded from gigs have most of the following characteristics:
  • They arrive late after the headline band has started.
  • They push their way through the crowd usually apologising or making pointy gestures with their hand to the front I assume implying that they have friends they are heading towards.
  • There is a “pathfinder” with assorted people trailing behind, who are less sober than pathfinder (that's why he/she was nominated) and in the case of a girl pathfinder much less attractive.
  • The whole group are taller than the average person.
  • They will often have impressively voluminous chaotic gravity defying hair.
  • The line of intruders will stop as pathfinder finds a spot he/she is happy with; the tail end of the group look glassily startled at their new surroundings.
  • The audience surrounding the intruders tenses as their previously selected positions and enjoyment of the gig are suddenly upset through obscured views and/or as the intruders inebriated swaying starts to push people around.
  • The intruders than start talking to each other ignoring the music. No doubt they are sharing their second by second critical appraisal of the music, validating their set list guesses, how truly amazing the drummer is, and can carry this function out while ignoring what is being performed.
  • They also make arms in the air pointing gestures with some precision, consistently missing the beat of the music, with their eyes closed possessed by some form of rapture, with no regard for those they jostle around them. The upturned arm may be carrying a plastic beaker of beer with which to anoint their fellow audience members into the great time they are having.

With any luck pathfinder will lead them further into the audience, gravitating towards others of a like disposition who are also doing the hand pointy, loud shouting, beer anointing to share in their “what a great gig this is, it's so good I just have to tell everybody now and not pay any attention to it” rituals.
"Tall people have no sense of timing"
So what conclusions can we make?
  1. Tall people like to hang out with other tall people.
  2. Tall people like to emphasise their tallness, adding centimetres with improbably high hairstyles.
  3. Assuming they were present at the beginning of the gig, they feel that even though they are tall and able to see well from anywhere in the auditorium, they must progress to the front of the crowd for their enjoyment to be complete.
  4. Tall people are capable of almost instantaneous gig appraisal.
  5. Tall people have a strong desire to communicate on a continuous basis with their fellow man.
  6. Tall people have no sense of timing.
  7. Tall people smell of camel catarrh.

Ok, I make the last one up, but I think you get my drift. Gig security people, don't let them in. I don't care how, just don't let them in.
Have a height restriction, with areas zoned so smaller people can be at the front and taller at the back? Maybe something invovling high powered lasers slicing their foreheads or hair off? 

I mean it just makes sense.

What other inferences can we make? Have you had similar experiences? Are these just the people that go to T in the Park and piss on other people's tents?

Thank you for listening.

1 comment:

Kenny Legg said...

People who should also be shot at gigs:

People who only know one song
People who wear T-Shirts of the band they are watching to that bands gig. Not sure why this annoys me so much.
Couples who spend the whole time kissing.
Big Jeff.